Just wanted to say something

My dad told me more than once that I, and him, and everyone else for the matter was utterly alone. That we had no one to really help us but ourselves. That we should not count on other people's help, that they would eventually fail on us.

Had he known the tons of people who helped me so far, he would see he was dead wrong.

Because no matter what, I've had lots and lots of help with going through what I'm going through, and from people who had basically no forcing reason or motive or obligation to do so. Thank you all, no exceptions made. I would quote names, but not many of them would read this, so I'd be just throwing words to nothing (but isn't it what I'm doing here all the time?)

Anyways, I just feel strange being the way I am now. It's like I'm on the other side of the road, you know? (by 'you' I mean random reader that finds out that my blog exists even though I don't have it written anywhere) I never used to be the one who needed consolation, I was always the one who gave it. I was never the one to be sad, I used to be the one who cheered people up.

The other side is really not so cool. I don't wanna be on it. I don't wanna be patted on the back anymore. I don't wanna be cheered up.

But the way things are now, I see no way out. I don't see myself getting out of where I am now, and I don't see myself going (or wanting to go) anywhere else either.

It just sucks. The whole thing. It just sucks big cocks big time, and it won't change. Not so soon. I hate having to suffer, I hate having to heal, I hate having to forget. I hate having to forget. I hate having to forget.

Because I don't know if I can.

Interessante

Vou começar a dizer pras pessoas que esse blog existe
quem sabe elas começam a acessar menos =P

Seconds thoughts

I know not what I'm doing here anymore. I don't know if I'm helping, I don't know if I'm making things worse, I don't know if I'm making no difference at all.
But does she have to make me feel like I'm not there every now and then? Will she only do something about my existence when I'm desperate? And if she does, will that really show she cares and not show just a fucking guilty reaction?
I have no idea abbout how to describe myself to myself or to anyone else. I don't feel like working, or loving, or living. But then when I'm around other people I'm able to act reasonably, and what sense is there in that? Is it a sign that I'm moving on? Don't think so. Is it a sign that I can deal with it? Don't think so either. Am I lying to myself?
Necessarily.

She's gotta leave the shelf

She just has to. Now. And everything that has happened to her recently just seems to keep her away from doing it, and she's losing hope again, and I'm just running out of ideas. I want to help her, I feel like I should help her, I think I need to help her, not because she is in need of help but because I think that if I don`t help her I'll just explode.

But I don't fucking know what to fucking do. And it just kills me and rips me apart and tears me down to pieces, little by little, day by day, second by second. Somebody tell me what to do. And don't tell me not to do anything, that it's not my job not do anything, that there's nothing I can do, that it's not up to me to do anything. It is fucking up to me to do something, there is something I can do, it is my fucking job to do something.

Somebody tell me what. Because just staying by her side and listening to her and helping her with the small day things is not even nearly enough.