pffff

This blog shows a person much more sullen than I actually am, which just proves I'm a lousy writer, but whatever, this was not meant to be read.

I wanna hit my head on a wall. Really. And I shouldn't want it, should I?

What's wrong with me?

I was supposed to be feeling fine. Everything is going the right way, I suppose. Things are getting better and better, and every now and then I get a sign that the trend is to keep moving. My life is finally settling, and I can finally see a project of an adult, fairly independent me calling all the shots on his own life.

Yet, I feel miserable. I don't like the idea of looking at myself in the mirror, I don't wanna talk to anybody, I don't wanna see anybody, and yet I don't wanna be alone, I don't wanna sleep alone, I don't wanna live alone.

I want somebody to hear me, but I don't want to hear from anybody. I feel like I'm trapped in a ridiculous vicious circle I personally set up and of which I have no idea of the exit at all.

wtf?

Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I get these awful thoughts out of my head and stop making up terrible hypothetical situations that are so unlikely to be true? Why do I always see the fucking worst on myself? Why can't I get a fucking grip?

All this seems much more serious now that I've written it down, but I still don't feel it's not true. I feel should just bang my head against a wall and wait till it gets back on its senses so that I can think straight again.

Nah, that won't happen anyway.